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Oct. 11th, 2009 11:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
porphyryPart of a child's growing up includes, I suppose, testing the limits of parental authority. My children's pediatrician once told me that if you have a child who never disagrees with you, then you probably have a child who, quite frankly, isn't developing normally. In effect, disobeying, talking back, not listening—all normal because a child must, of course, develop his or her own sense of independent identity.
So I'm okay with all that. I've read my Freud. I get it.
However, there is only so much a mother should have to take.
"Andrew, put your shoes in the cubby, please, so we know where they are tomorrow morning, " I say.
"I don't have to listen to you!" he shouts.
"Fine," I say. "Tomorrow morning when you can't find your shoes in time and are late for school, you can explain to your teacher why you're late—'I didn't obey my mother when she made a reasonable request of me'—how about that?"
"You'll find them for me. You always do," he says.
Surly. Unappreciative. Knows I don't mean what I say when I say it.
So, currently he's more or less under house arrest (I am exaggerating), and has lately found himself curbed quite a bit. He's had quite a few privileges suspended. Malkhos and I don't raise our voices much to him and we don't spank him, but we can be quite strict when circumstances call for it. And our efforts are slowly working (we think). I've instructed my family to do the same—they've always indulged Andrew. And they are doing it because they're weary of his backtalk and irresponsibility too. Not altogether Andrew's fault because he has been indulged, but he needs to learn to respect others more. Oddly, he never acts up at school and is quite proud that he has never received any discipline for infractions at school. So we all know he knows what he's doing.
It is Madeline, however, the innocent bystander, who expressed in the following drawing what I look like when I'm angry.
Just so you know, those are thunderclouds above my head and when I asked her why so much use of red, pink, and purple, she seemed to suggest those are "mad colors." The whole thing is odd because while I try not to raise my voice too much, I must be using a different tone at least; one she's picked up on as different, and it's an interesting insight into how a child perceives and can understand another's emotions. But then, Madeline has always naturally had more capacity for empathy than Andrew.
When she showed me the picture, she was quite surprised by my reaction. I laughed for a good five minutes over it, and after a moment she screamed with laughter over it, too, but now I have to wonder if I've unduly traumatized her with my less kind, less gentle approach to her brother and his foolishness.
This is a thumbnail. Click on it for a larger version.
So I'm okay with all that. I've read my Freud. I get it.
However, there is only so much a mother should have to take.
"Andrew, put your shoes in the cubby, please, so we know where they are tomorrow morning, " I say.
"I don't have to listen to you!" he shouts.
"Fine," I say. "Tomorrow morning when you can't find your shoes in time and are late for school, you can explain to your teacher why you're late—'I didn't obey my mother when she made a reasonable request of me'—how about that?"
"You'll find them for me. You always do," he says.
Surly. Unappreciative. Knows I don't mean what I say when I say it.
So, currently he's more or less under house arrest (I am exaggerating), and has lately found himself curbed quite a bit. He's had quite a few privileges suspended. Malkhos and I don't raise our voices much to him and we don't spank him, but we can be quite strict when circumstances call for it. And our efforts are slowly working (we think). I've instructed my family to do the same—they've always indulged Andrew. And they are doing it because they're weary of his backtalk and irresponsibility too. Not altogether Andrew's fault because he has been indulged, but he needs to learn to respect others more. Oddly, he never acts up at school and is quite proud that he has never received any discipline for infractions at school. So we all know he knows what he's doing.
It is Madeline, however, the innocent bystander, who expressed in the following drawing what I look like when I'm angry.
Just so you know, those are thunderclouds above my head and when I asked her why so much use of red, pink, and purple, she seemed to suggest those are "mad colors." The whole thing is odd because while I try not to raise my voice too much, I must be using a different tone at least; one she's picked up on as different, and it's an interesting insight into how a child perceives and can understand another's emotions. But then, Madeline has always naturally had more capacity for empathy than Andrew.
When she showed me the picture, she was quite surprised by my reaction. I laughed for a good five minutes over it, and after a moment she screamed with laughter over it, too, but now I have to wonder if I've unduly traumatized her with my less kind, less gentle approach to her brother and his foolishness.
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| Mad_001 |
This is a thumbnail. Click on it for a larger version.
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Date: 2009-10-11 05:06 pm (UTC)And -- I would say not. Her drawing of you as 'angry' really does not make you seem a looming, threatening presence, but actually makes you seem vulnerable -- look at the bafflement in your eyes as you fall over backward!
Seems to me she might be picking up on the overwhelming-ness behind your anger.
Just a thought, of course!
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Date: 2009-10-11 05:20 pm (UTC)So perhaps you're right. One thing I have learned is to never underestimate how perceptive children, even very young ones, can be. And Madeline is more so than most four-year-olds.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 05:53 pm (UTC)My son when he was five once asked me, very concerned, with his hands on my cheeks, 'Now Mom, did you forget your brain again today?" --and, while comical in and of itself, is actually pretty perceptive for a five year old, as that was before my AS dx and during times of mental cloudiness or befuddlement it was clear as day to him.
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Date: 2009-10-12 02:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-11 07:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-12 02:33 am (UTC)Madeline is quite happy she's famous.
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Date: 2009-10-12 01:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-12 04:26 pm (UTC)It is quite difficult to teach a child to respect elders these days. I don't know how this happened. Empowerment gone a bit too far, I'd say. I have explained to Andrew over and over again that it's not his place to ever tell a grown person what or what not not to do, nor should he offer his opinion about something an elder tells him to do if it's reasonable.
It's hard to explain to a six-year-old that it's right to speak out against authority when you see true injustice going on; it's not right to speak back to authority who are trying to help the child become a respectful, responsible adult.
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Date: 2009-10-12 05:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-12 08:20 pm (UTC)http://malkhos.livejournal.com/37212.html#cutid1
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Date: 2009-10-13 12:23 pm (UTC)I like your new picture there.
Guess what? I have to make a new post soon. We recently went from two cats to FOUR. I must have "sucker" stamped all over my forehead. Stay tuned.